The Return of Objectivist Morrissey

In the course of my 24 posts in 24 hours push, I wrote a post speculating about how The Smiths would have sounded had Morrissey been a hardline Objectivist. This notion has been bouncing around my head for the past couple of weeks (chalk it up to being in a locale with no electricity). Put succinctly, I've had an earworm which was a song which had never been written, so I had to go ahead and finish the damn song:


Mooching parasites, and a tax rate burdensome,
The average working stiff is a bum
But in this hidden gulch, this Randian man.

Why be a slave to guilt and dread,
When the superman's path is the one that you tread?

I would go Galt tonight, but I haven't got a hidden lair.
Ayn Rand said, "It's gruesome, that such a producer should care."

A titan simply shrugs,
and drops the wicked world,
Leaves moochers to their fate,
'Cos greed is such a noble trait.
'Cos greed is such a noble trait.

I would go Galt tonight, but I haven't got a hidden lair.
Ayn Rand said, "It's gruesome, that such a producer should care."

This Randian man

A titan simply shrugs,
and drops the wicked world,
Leaves moochers to their fate,
'Cos greed is such a noble trait.
'Cos greed is such a noble trait.


Of course, for those unfamiliar with Monsieur Morrissey and The Smiths (get with the program, hippie! or get offa mah lawn! whatever the case may be), here's the tune that I dragged kicking and screaming into a dry gulch inhabited by sociopaths:





I ordinarily don't "bleg", but if anyone could "Photoshop" Morrissey's pompadour onto the dour visage of Ayn Rand, I'd totally have their babies.

UPDATE: I figured Objectivist Morrissey deserved his own blog- I'll cross post any entries here as well. I... uh... have more than just a couple of parodies in the pipeline.

Alas, Foghorn Never Sang for the Smiths

So, in the latest epic thread at Central Snark, a tired Ned wrote:

How has my day been? I read

People say that Murray Lightburn sounds a lot like Morrissey

as “People say that Foghorn Leghorn sounds a lot like Morrissey” and found myself nodding.

While Foghorn never sang for the Smiths, one may get somewhat of an approximation by listening to Mojo Nixon's version of Girlfriend in a Coma:





For the record, my favorite Mojo Nixon (and Skid Roper) tune is the original version of Jesus at McDonald's. My favorite line, "They weren't the kind of couches you want to sit on, they were the kind of couches you want to sleep on."

Oddly enough, while Googling "Foghorn Leghorn" & "Morissey", I found this video, which has nothing to do with Foghorn, Mojo, or Stephen Patrick.

You Wish It, I Dish It... the Objectivist Morrissey Madness Continues

In my last post, I noted that JScottG requested that I do Moocher in a Tutu. It would be safe to assume that he would have expected a play on the song Vicar in a Tutu (not to be confused with tuber in a vicar), but that's not how my muse rolls, baby! Here's my hastily written, compliant yet contrarian take on Moocher in a Tutu:


Moocher in a tutu, he is,
He is, a parasite.
Moocher in a tutu, he is,
He is, a parasite.

There are times when I want to murder him,
But the laws of the weak won't let me do him in.

Moocher in a tutu, he is,
He is, a parasite.
Moocher in a tutu, he is,
He is, a parasite.

Do you really think I'll go Galt?
Do you really think I'll go Galt?

Moocher in a tutu, he is,
He is, a parasite.
Guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-gonna go Galt!

There were times that I could have murdered him,
But was stopped by the rules of the weak and the dim.
Would you please let me beat him?

Do you really think I'll go Galt?
Do you really think I'll go Galt
Let my whisper my last goodbyes,
"Go suck it, parasite!"


Of course, this is a parody of Girlfriend in a Coma, which I consider a bit of a lesser effort by The Smiths (it sorely lacks that pure pop jangle of Johnny Marr's guitar). Here's a video for the song, accompanied by images of one of my all-time favorite actresses, the incomparable Dejah Thoris Louise Brooks:






In a previous post, I embedded a video for Mojo Nixon's cover of Girlfriend in a Coma, which I actually prefer to the original. Now, if only, I say, if only Foghorn Leghorn had covered the Smiths, it would have been perfect.

Cross-posted at the new joint.

Just Like a Smiths Song

Today, the plan is to drive to Hudson, New, about two hours up the line, with Dr Jen W.  She's located in Manhattan, so she'll be taking the 4 Train to Woodlawn, the end of the line.  The best place to pick up passengers in the area is outside the storied Woodlawn Cemetery- there's plenty of room to turn one's vehicle around, without having to deal with the traffic on Jerome and Bainbridge Avenues, and the northbound NY Thruway is a quick drive..

Of course, meeting someone at the cemetery gates is very much like a Smiths song:

Let's hope that Keats and Yates are on everybody's side today!

Paul Ryan Leaves, Objectivist Morrissey Returns

There really isn't a lot I need to say about Paul Ryan leaving the House of Representatives. I think the guy is awful, by which I mean offal- he's the classic case of the guy who wants to pull the ladder up behind him- he received Social Security survivor benefits after the death of his father yet claimed to dream of cutting government benefits since he was a frathole at keggers. Yeah, I'd come to bury Ryan in snark, not to praise him, but I think he's pretty much done- the House is lost to his party, which is lost to Trump.

Back in 2011, I went through a manic phase while working a split-shift at work, a graveyard shift followed by an afternoon/evening shift. In these heady conditions, I wrote 24 blog posts in 24 hours, one of which imagined singer/songwriter Morrissey as a hardcore Objectivist. This led to a spate of writing Objectivist parodies of songs by Morrissey's old band, the Smiths, and even its own short-lived blog which ran its course because there aren't a lot of Smiths songs to parody and, well, Morrissey became a far-right loon so imagining him as a hardcore Randian became unnecessary and not-so-fun.

There is a bit of unfinished business, though, back in the 2012 election season, my older brother, Sweetums, suggested that I write an Objectivist Morrissey parody about Paul Ryan. I had a half-finished piece rattling around my head, but the election season wasn't fun until B. Hussein Obummer won, and I left the piece unfinished, unposted. Now, with Paul Ryan seemingly leaving the public eye for good, I figured I'd post the parody, though it is now woefully dated:


We're cryin', Mister Ryan, at this sickening mess,
And this Kenyan Usurper who'd penalize success.
You must stand fast, and athwart history
And you must reclaim GOP mastery.

Greed, greed glorious greed,
It despises the people in need.
But I'd rather be greedy
Than righteous or holy
Any day, any day, any day.

But frankly, I am more inclined
To be lobbyist courted and wined.
I want to cut and I want to slash.
I want to do something that others may deem rash.

We're cryin', Mister Ryan, at this sickening mess,
And this Kenyan Usurper who'd penalize success.
Oh, I didn't realise that you wrote policy.
I didn't realise you wrote such poor despising policy, Mister Ryan.

Frankly Mister Ryan since you cut
You are a pain in a socialist's butt.
I do not mean to fluff you so,
But I can't be lying, Mister Ryan.

Don't give them your money!


This bit is a parody of the bouncy Frankly, Mister Shankly:





Cross-posted at, where else?

Quiverfull of Queer

Ordinarily, I don't think about the quiverfull movement all that much. I was reminded of this Dominionist subset by TBogg's latest piece about **shudder** the Duggars giving advice about sex. Given the number of kids they have, odds are that one or two of the Duggar brood are LGBTQ. I sincerely hope that all of the Duggar kids are gay. A "Quiverfull of Queer" would be awesome! Hmmmm... wasn't Quiverfull of Queer an album by the Smiths?

Hey, how about a hymn from the Smiths?





Heaven knows I'm miserable contemplating the Duggars bumping uglies.

Still Got the Chops With the Old Axe

I'm really digging the new single by Johnny Marr, nee John Maher (Monsieur Marr changed the spelling of his surname, in part, to avoid being confused with fellow Manchester musician John Maher, the drummer for The Buzzcocks). Johnny Marr, whose jangly guitar sound was one of the defining characteristics of the music of legendary 80's britpop purveyors The Smiths becames a sought-after session musician and music producer. The new single, from a soon-to-be-released album The Messenger, is pure power pop... to put it in terms of "Manchester" bands, the music is more akin sonically to the music of The Buzzcocks than that of his old band, The Smiths, a band which, sadly, was never fronted by Foghorn Leghorn. Marr's voice is not as distinctive as the warblings of his former bandmate Stephen Patrick Morrissey, but it's a credible voice for a power pop anthem:





I wonder why Monsieur Marr didn't decide to become a frontman in his own right before now, but this move is better late than never, I suppose.

Objectivist Morrissey Didn't Go Galt

Back when I did my bizarre 24 posts in 24 hours postapalooza, I debuted the "character" of Objectivist Morrissey, a Bizarro World Morrissey who was a huge fan of Ayn Rand. Objectivist Morrissey appealed to me so much that I thought he merited his own blog. It's been a while since I've revisited the guy, mainly because real-world Morrissey can be just as horrible as his parallel universe doppelgänger. I can't stay mad forever, especially if it gets in the way of a good joke, so here's Dagny, Take a Hike, the latest from Objectivist Morrissey:


Is it wrong to want to keep what you've got?
Ayn Rand would tell you, “Surely not!”
How can this world be just
When lice aren't shot?

Dagny, take a- Dagny, take a hike.
Stop the wheels of the world in their tracks, dear.
And don't produce tonight,
Go Galt and find the one that you love and who loves you.
The one that you love and who loves you


Is it wrong to hate your lessers, my dear?
No it's not wrong, so have no fear.
Leave them all in your dust,
Your way is clear!


Dagny, take a- Dagny, take a hike.
Stop the wheels of the world in their tracks, dear.
And don't produce tonight,
Go Galt and find the one that you love and who loves you.
The one that you love and who loves you.

Find my gulch and disappear.
La la la la la la la la.
Throw your blueprints onto the fire.
Come out and find the one that you love!


I have an an additional verse, but it would throw off the flow of the song:


Is it wrong to scorn the weak and the poor?
Ayn Rand would tell you "No!", I'm sure.
How could you be so rich, if you aren't pure?


For those of you unfamiliar with The Smiths, this song is a spoof of Sheila, Take a Bow:





I divided this post into two smaller posts, cross posted (where else?) at Objectivist Morrissey.

Joe Biden Wins Again

 Back in 2016. at a political rally in Albany, NY, Trump told his audience that they would be tired of winning.  I guess this now applies to Joe Biden, who just won the Electoral College vote as well as the popular vote.

In a bizarre attempt to muddy the waters politically, Republican electors in Wisconsin and Michigan met to hold a 'parallel universe' electoral vote in Trump's favor.  The video of the 'GOP electors' trying to get into the Michigan capitol is particularly pathetic:

“The Electors are already here, they’ve been checked in.” Michigan State Police are blocking access to the Capitol, preventing the GOP Electors from getting inside #Michigan #ElectoralCollege #ElectoralCollegeVote pic.twitter.com/GzTK5gGCJ1

— Brendan Gutenschwager (@BGOnTheScene) December 14, 2020

 I can't even imagine how the media would have responded if Democrats had tried to pull a stunt like this back in 2016.  The next Republican attempt to interfere with the election will take place on January 6, when at least one GOP congresscreep will try to mess up the congressional certification of the vote.  I'm looking forward to seeing Trump lose the election yet another time.  A less narcissistic person would just put on a Smiths record and move on after a short mope.

Heaven Knows I'm Writing Too Many Objectivist Morrissey Spoofs

Yeah, I just can't help it, the whole Objectivist Morrissey thing is like an addiction. The news is pretty interesting, but it's being dominated by two stories- the Newscorp scandal and the debt ceiling showdown, both ongoing sagas of a most sordid nature. Hell, time to do something goofy, time to spoof Ayn Rand and a Smiths song:


I was happy in the haze of polluting power,
But Greenspan knows I'm miserable now.
I was looking for a gulch, and didn't find a gulch,
And Greenspan knows I'm miserable now.

In my life, why do I give valuable time,
To people who think tax evasion is a crime?

Two union guys stand, with paychecks in hand,
Now Greenspan knows I'm miserable now.

In my life, why do smile,
At moochers who would steal me blind?

I was happy in the haze of polluting power,
But Greenspan knows I'm miserable now.

What Ayn asked of me at the end of the day,
Nathaniel would have blushed.
"You've been with that hag too long," she said,
"And I, I want her dead."

In my life, why do I give valuable time,
To people who think price-gouging's a crime?


A lesser effort, compared to This Randian Man, but one cannot bring one's "A" game every time.

Of course, the song is a spoof of Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now, but an Objectivist invoking heaven would not have been appropriate:





Cross-posted at the new place.

I Got the Radio On!

The local college radio station has always been remarkably good. Currently, I am listening to "Your Old Pal Jim", hosting his Tunes from the Defective Jukebox show. He's always good for playing snippets of dialogue from old movies along with the music. Ghosty's Show follows, and "Ghosty" is going to be interviewing Mike Joyce of the Smiths and Brian Wilson(!) tonight. The Big Al Show caps the night's programming.

All told, it's an interesting musical lineup- a damn sight better than anything the commercial stations typically play.

The Architect of Much of My Musical Taste

On Tuesday, the local NPR affiliate had a really great interview with Seymour Stein, who co-founded the Sire Records label with musical genius Richard Gottehrer. Mr Stein was one of the godfathers of the NYC punk scene of the 1970s, having signed my beloved Ramones, Talking Heads and Dead Boys. He also brought such overseas bands as the Undertones (Derry's Ramones), Echo and the Bunnymen, the Smiths. He also signed the Pretenders and some woman named Ciccone, who sang lead on some Sex Pistols effort. He also signed the Replacements and Ice-T to Sire Records.

Needless to say, Seymour Stein has had an outsized influence on my musical tastes, since I was a wee lad. The list of artists recording for Sire encompasses much of my music collection. One of my favorite stories about Seymour Stein was recounted by Joey Ramone's brother Mickey Leigh in his memoir I Slept with Joey Ramone, an account of Seymour's distaste for a particularly transgressive song recorded for the first Ramones album:


(Sire Records executive) Seymour Stein came up to the studio in the afternoon and complained, "You can't say, 'I'm a Nazi baby, I'm a Nazi, yes I am,'" referring to the opening lines of the song "Today Your Love, Tomorrow the World," which had become the Ramones' signature closer at live shows. It was kind of ridiculous, but not to Seymour. The words are:

I'm a Nazi, baby; I'm a Nazi yes I am
I'm a Nazi shatzi, y'know I fight for the Fatherland.
Little German boy, being pushed around
Little German boy, in a German town

It didn't offend me, and I'm a Jew.

It didn't offend my brother.

Tommy, whose parents had narrowly escaped the death camps during the Holocaust, was more sensitive to this issue but acquiesced so as not to impede the band's artistic freedom and black humor. To me, the song conjured up the image of a weak, skinny German kid, who after being bullied in his own little burg, found a way to become one of the bullies. It was like a glimpse into the mind-set of a typical Hitler Youth member, brilliantly summed up in two lines.

Seymour was insistent that the band change the lyrics. The Ramones were sticking to their guns. A heated and emotional argument ensued; it looked as if this could be a deal-breaker.

Then they started talking about alternatives and came up with the line, "I'm a shock trooper in a stupor, yes I am."

Even that was too much for Seymour; to him, it was equally offensive.

But after a big struggle he finally gave in and allowed them to go with "shock trooper."

"I don't know if I should admit it," Seymour later confessed, "because I got over it pretty quickly, but I wasn't pleased with the Nazi references in the songs. You can't throw away twenty years of Jewish upbringing in Brooklyn."


If you are at all a fan of any of the bands signed to Sire Records, the NPR interview is a fun listen. After many years of playing songs by bands Seymour Stein signed, it was nice to hear the voice of the man himself.

Objectivist Morrissey

I was thinking, "What if there were a parallel universe in which Morrissey were a hard-core Objectivist? What if The Smiths were forging rearden metal? What would that sound like?"

I would go Galt tonight, but I haven't got a hidden lair.
Ayn Rand said, "It's gruesome, that such a producer should care."