Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Help Mitt, Ann!

Lifelike human simulacrum Mitt Romney has a problem connecting with women voters. Sorry asshole, you just can't pull the Etch-a-Sketch routine and expect women to forget about your selling out women in order to pander to the right wing GOP base. In a last-ditch effort to salvage his sagging electoral prospects among female voters, the Romney campaign has decided to unleash the Kraken Ann Romney. On the surface, Ann Romney is fairly appealing- she looks like a nice lady, and herstruggles with multiple sclerosis and breast cancer evoke sympathy among even the most hard-nosed opponents. The one problem is that Ann Romney is just as out-of-touch and gaffe-prone as her odious husband.

Ann Romney, noted driver of a couple of Cadillacs and wife of a guy with a net worth of about $250,000,000 doesn't consider herself wealthy:





She has described a family-owned six-bedroom mansion as a "little place":





Like many non-wealthy Americans, she is always up for a flying around the country to get in a horsey ride. I'm sure she'll connect well with the women of these United States.

Of course, Ann's first goal is to make her husband seem less stilted and robotic, and she's off a grand start. In fact, she's willing to expose a soft part of Mitt that the voters haven't seen:


"And one of the things, Ann Romney, that folks talk about with your husband, Mitt Romney, and I’ve seen him in casual conversation-He comes off very smooth and okay. But sometimes he comes off stiff. Do you have to fight back some criticism, like ‘My husband isn’t stiff, OK?’"

Laughing, Ann Romney responded, "Well, you know, I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out because he is not!"



If that's Mitt's secret weapon, it seems to have gone off in his magic underpants. It's better to be perceived as a robot than a soft boy (and not of the good variety). I look forward to Ann Romney leaving the campaign trail to spend more time with the family.

I'd be remiss if I didn't reveal the inspiration of the post title, which is a song by Boston band Lyres:





UPDATE: I just want to say that I think it's hilarious that Mitt Romney's campaign is best symbolized by a flaccid penis. That's pretty much Mitt in a nutsack nutshell.

10 comments:

Smut Clyde said...

"Madam. You flatter yourself. It is only hanging out."

-- attributed to Winston Bernard Johnson.

wiley said...

As a woman with MS, I really can't muster a lot of sympathy for a woman with MS who rides horses and allows her personal strength and resolve to be credited for her remaining abilities. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Vixen Strangely said...

She actually implied that if you "unzipped him", you'd find he wasn't so stiff--this is exactly what I mean when I describe Romney as the death of comedy. Figure in the "Etch-A-Sketch" comment and the April Fool's gag where he supposedly was led out to an empty venue as if it was a real avail--Romney's campaign is always mid-self-pwn. It's unintentional, but the pwn by insinuation is always there.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The real Mittens is a Reptiloid from Outer Space.
~

Laura said...

I've had it with these stupid mo-fo politions that only care about one thing... powah!
I'm with Wiley..eff his wife too.
Eff, eff,eff! I'm in a bad mood today. Grrrrr. ;)

((Hugs))
Laura

Substance McGravitas said...

The real Mittens is a Reptiloid from Outer Space.

Gee, that sounds INTERESTING.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

attributed to Winston Bernard Johnson.

Of Enormous Johnson fame?

As a woman with MS, I really can't muster a lot of sympathy for a woman with MS who rides horses and allows her personal strength and resolve to be credited for her remaining abilities. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

I wouldn't be so critical if she worked to advocate for care of her fellow MS patients. She has opportunities that most people don't have, and her husband will do his level best to make sure that others don't have access to the same quality of treatment.

Romney's campaign is always mid-self-pwn. It's unintentional, but the pwn by insinuation is always there.

Romney's the overprivileged old-money boob who was the butt of jokes in just about every 1980's film comedy. I can picture Rodney Dangerfield asking him if the stick up his ass is an antique.

The real Mittens is a Reptiloid from Outer Space.

I think a Reptiloid would display more emotion- I think he's a robot sent by the Reptiloids.

I've had it with these stupid mo-fo politions that only care about one thing... powah!

But isn't his wife's "not stiff" joke funny?

Gee, that sounds INTERESTING.

It would be more interesting if Thunder had big boobs.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I think he's a robot sent by the Reptiloids.

But not a cool, basketball-playing robot built by high school kids.

bbkf said...

ha! the gop is now represented by a lizard, a soft weiner and butt froth...they finally got it right...awesome!

Jumper said...

Actually there is nothing magic about that underwear. And he's no robot. The deal is, that reptiloid cloaca leaks...