Help Mitt, Ann!

Lifelike human simulacrum Mitt Romney has a problem connecting with women voters. Sorry asshole, you just can't pull the Etch-a-Sketch routine and expect women to forget about your selling out women in order to pander to the right wing GOP base. In a last-ditch effort to salvage his sagging electoral prospects among female voters, the Romney campaign has decided to unleash the Kraken Ann Romney. On the surface, Ann Romney is fairly appealing- she looks like a nice lady, and herstruggles with multiple sclerosis and breast cancer evoke sympathy among even the most hard-nosed opponents. The one problem is that Ann Romney is just as out-of-touch and gaffe-prone as her odious husband.

Ann Romney, noted driver of a couple of Cadillacs and wife of a guy with a net worth of about $250,000,000 doesn't consider herself wealthy:





She has described a family-owned six-bedroom mansion as a "little place":





Like many non-wealthy Americans, she is always up for a flying around the country to get in a horsey ride. I'm sure she'll connect well with the women of these United States.

Of course, Ann's first goal is to make her husband seem less stilted and robotic, and she's off a grand start. In fact, she's willing to expose a soft part of Mitt that the voters haven't seen:


"And one of the things, Ann Romney, that folks talk about with your husband, Mitt Romney, and I’ve seen him in casual conversation-He comes off very smooth and okay. But sometimes he comes off stiff. Do you have to fight back some criticism, like ‘My husband isn’t stiff, OK?’"

Laughing, Ann Romney responded, "Well, you know, I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out because he is not!"


If that's Mitt's secret weapon, it seems to have gone off in his magic underpants. It's better to be perceived as a robot than a soft boy (and not of the good variety). I look forward to Ann Romney leaving the campaign trail to spend more time with the family.

I'd be remiss if I didn't reveal the inspiration of the post title, which is a song by Boston band Lyres:





UPDATE: I just want to say that I think it's hilarious that Mitt Romney's campaign is best symbolized by a flaccid penis. That's pretty much Mitt in a nutsack nutshell.