Wednesday, April 18, 2012

An Overactive Fantasy Life

Soon after the death of prevaricating shitbag Andrew Breitbart, right-wing lunatics have theorized that he was assassinated, presumably by the forces of the Keyan Usurper. This has, predictably, led to some pretty funny proclamations from various and sundry whackjobs. My favorite was a paranoid, self-aggrandizing screed from a commenter at right-wing fever swamp Free Republic. I was going to bold the parts that I find particularly amusing, but the whole thing is pure comedy gold:


To: combat_boots
The pros can make it look natural or like an accident. There are substances, that in tiny quantities (millionths of a gram), can cause illness, cancer, strokes, nerve damage (e.g., Rush’s hearing loss), mental confusion (e.g., Rick Perry’s sudden dementia), bizarre behavior, etc. There are THOUSANDS of such substances. Even a top quality autopsy may not discover them. Just looking at natural plant alkaloids, there are many thousands of substances that cause a variety of harmful effects. Think of how easily medical researchers create a particular cancer in lab animals. This is 21st Century assassination. It is done quietly by highly paid professionals. The democrat party has plenty of contacts with organized crime figures and foreign intel services.

Every conservative leader needs to be extremely conscious of this threat. Poisons can be delivered by food, drink, inhalation, or skin contact. For example, an assassin could put a tiny amount of poison on something that the target will touch. It could be delivered by a handshake at a rally!

I once worked for a retired three star general, the former head of Defense Intel Agency. He told me, “When it looks suspicious and highly unlikely, it is almost certainly enemy action”.

Fellow Freepers, this is not conspiracy theory. What I am recommending is a much higher level of security.Don’t think for a minute that the commies will not kill you. I have no doubt that every member of FR is on a hit list. After the Cold War, when KGB records were released, I found out my name was on a list of former military officers to be rounded up and executed after a successful nuclear strike on the United States.

They are here. Now. They will do anything to hang onto power.
133 posted on Thu Mar 1 07:24:21 2012 by darth



Gotta love that hyperactive imagination, I'd title it The Secret Life of Someone Shitty... maybe The Secret Life of Walter Sobchak. A couple of things strike me about this little essay... perhaps the best feature is that it employs the exact opposite of Occam's Razor- why settle for a simple explanation when a shadowy grand conspiracy can be spun? The fatal heart attack of a pudgy, rage filled boozer? POISON! The hearing loss of a pill-popping radio hack? POISON! The mental lapse of a good-haired goofball? POISON! I will, however, note that I do suspect that traces of natural plant alkaloids will be found in Breitbart's bloodstream. Still, I don't think that the Democratic National Committee is employing a Sarkoy venefice to "deal with" a coterie of hacks and boobs. The other thing that strikes me as hilarious is the unmitigated narcissism that is evident in the piece- I have no doubt that every member of FR is on a hit list. After the Cold War, when KGB records were released, I found out my name was on a list of former military officers to be rounded up and executed after a successful nuclear strike on the United States. Yeah, every member of the Free fucking Republic forums is on a hit list... right. Your obnoxious right-wing relative? He might not be around for Thanksgiving if Obama's army of organized crime figures and foreign intel services gets him with some exotic toxin. Maybe they'll even get a crack assassin with a sweet little heart-shaped face framing the nastiest pair of eyes you ever saw to cook up some high-tech death for the Mall Ninja who wrote this piece.

They are here. Now. They will do anything to hang onto power. Even spending a lot of money and effort to kill a bunch of misanthropic, homebound neckbeards.

As a coda to that essay, there are some hilarious responses to it, posted for your enjoyment and derision:


To: Travis McGee
I say this in all sincerity, Matt: You better watch your knot. I’d be checking my six at regular intervals and only eat out of cans for a while.
The chances that Breitbart just dropped dead at such a convenient time just doesn’t pass the smell test — the chances are millions to one. When you have the Chicago Mob working out of the White House, well, need we say more?
These soulless creatures will do anything they think they can get away with, including murder most foul. “The ends justfies the means” and all that rot.



The Chicago Mob may be working out of the White House, but I bet Breitbart was offed by the queers!!! Plus, "checking your six" is some funny pseudo-military jargon/tough guy talk to throw about.


To: dragonblustar
Breitbart died at 43? Nobody dies at 43.
My wife studies this stuff in great detail. She is a bestselling author of crime and suspense novels. She has all kinds of books on how to kill people and cover up crimes. She says there are a whole lot of ways to cause (for example) a heart-attack and make it look natural. Not saying that’s what happened here. Just sayin.
17 posted on Thursday, March 01, 2012 9:26:56 AM by ElkGroveDan (My tagline is in the shop.)



Yeah, nobody dies at 43... I checked every obituary on the t00bz, not a one! I'm starting to suspect that this guy's totally existent bestselling author wife may have killed Breitbart- she seems to know a lot about killing people and making it look natural!

And I bet she totally exists, just the the original poster's three-star general boss.

Lest you think I trolled the fetid bytes of Free Republic, rest assured, I found this thread at another site.

13 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy ...
~

wiley said...

A KGB list of former military officers to be rounded up and shot after a nuclear strike?

This is so consonant with the idea of Andrew Breitbart being a target for assassination that it's as likely to be the very clever work of someone who is making fun of the rest of the commenters as it is to be good old-fashioned delusion or dementia.

Either way, someone should give that man a free internet today.

M. Bouffant said...

Love the egomaniacal paranoids: "The head of the CIA/FBI/Al Capone/BHO is after ME PERSONALLY!!

Not to mention that Breitbart was worth more to the left alive than dead.

Smut Clyde said...

A KGB list of former military officers to be rounded up and shot after a nuclear strike?

The existence of such a list would be an easy thing for a non-crazy person to document.

wiley said...

The average age for a heavy cocaine user's heart to conk is 44. I had a cousin who died at 42 from very strenuous drug use. Outwardly he looked like a linebacker. It happens. There is no age at which a person cannot tax their body to death with drug and alcohol abuse.

Wing-nuts have some strange agnosia concerning illicit drug abuse among their heroes.

Aunt Snow said...

I'm too lazy to look it up, but I believe I read somewhere that chronic oxycontin use causes deafness - that's what happened to Rush's hearing.

The idea that powerful people even pay attention to the loons that post on Free Republic is lending them far more importance than they deserve.

wiley said...

Your backyard is lovely, Aunt Snow. And your strawberries look yummy.

vacuumslayer said...

Good fucking grief. Why do wingnuts get all the best drugs?

Anonymous said...

Isn't it easier to get poisoned by only eating out of cans?

...tsam

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy ...


I was hoping for a Boris Vallejo "chainmail bikini" illustration!

This is so consonant with the idea of Andrew Breitbart being a target for assassination that it's as likely to be the very clever work of someone who is making fun of the rest of the commenters as it is to be good old-fashioned delusion or dementia

Who can tell these days? It's like Poe's Law on steroids!

Love the egomaniacal paranoids: "The head of the CIA/FBI/Al Capone/BHO is after ME PERSONALLY!!

Yeah, it's a real ego trip.

The existence of such a list would be an easy thing for a non-crazy person to document.

Comrade Smut lives in the reality based world.

Wing-nuts have some strange agnosia concerning illicit drug abuse among their heroes.

It's the authoritarian mind- it's why they think that the typical liberal worships President Obama. As Cerb would say, IT'S ALWAYS PROJECTION!!!"

I'm too lazy to look it up, but I believe I read somewhere that chronic oxycontin use causes deafness - that's what happened to Rush's hearing.

Yeah, no need for an overelaborate explanation.

The idea that powerful people even pay attention to the loons that post on Free Republic is lending them far more importance than they deserve.

They're utterly narcissistic.

Your backyard is lovely, Aunt Snow. And your strawberries look yummy.

Aunt Snow is waging a one-woman campaign against Beauty Deficit Disorder.

Good fucking grief. Why do wingnuts get all the best drugs?

Because Koch money is coke money!

Isn't it easier to get poisoned by only eating out of cans?

Always check the can for swelling or leaking! Good to see you commenting, tsam!

Substance McGravitas said...

I'm too lazy to look it up

I looked it up, and holy shit is Occam's razor sharp today.

Another Kiwi said...

I don't think that tins are safe (they are all around you,dude) best to just stick to roots and berries.
Ahem Mr. Bastard, I think you'll find that "An Overactive Fantasy Life" is a tag at a certain rightwayup site.

Smut Clyde said...

only eat out of cans for a while.

That worked so well for the Franklin expedition.