Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Maternal Glow

It has often been said that having given birth imparts a certain glow to a mother, a fruition of natural beauty. I can vouch for this, because a friend of mine recently gave birth (and not the one you're thinking of*). Yeah, my friend and co-worker Shelly (she's with the grounds staff, her job entails removing organic detritus from the small river on site) gave birth on Sunday. Doesn't she look beautiful?





Shelly sure is a looker, though I have no idea where the father of her children is these days. Unfortunately, he didn't stick around for the kids' sake. Shelly's on the rebound, but I know just the guy for her.

Note, anyone referring to Shelly as a snappy-headed ho is flirting with a lifetime ban.

Hilariously, the Wikiwakiwoo has this statement, which is a remarkable example of understatement: "The common snapping turtle is not an ideal pet"


*Not-so-veiled John Bellairs reference

15 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I did have a snapping turtle as a pet. One day, while wading through an lagoon near the C&O canal near Carderock, I came across a large snapping turtle, which I immediately picked up (because that's how I did things, when I was a kid). He/she/it/turtle couldn't get a bite at me, as my hand were too far back around the middle the shell.

So said turtle came to live with us in a plastic tub on the porch for a week, before being returned to the canal for being just too big.

P.S. So what was I doing wading in a lagoon near the canal? Looking for snakes, of course.
~

vacuumslayer said...

Let the record show that B^4 said I was NOT glowing...which means I wasted a lot of money on radioactive face and body lotion.

Substance McGravitas said...

The turtles were out sunning themselves in Stanley Park yesterday. So I yelled GET TO WORK TURTLES!

vacuumslayer said...

snappy-headed ho

Also, that's hilarious.

vacuumslayer said...

So I yelled GET TO WORK TURTLES!

When are turtles going to start earning their keep, instead lying about eating bon bons like a bunch of lazy welfare queens?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I like turtles!

77south said...

I had a pet alligator snapping turtle when I was a youth. It was a very young alligator sanpping turtle, it's shell was only about the size of a half dollar. I too had to return it to the park where I found it, it was too smelly to be kept in the house, even with regular aquarium cleaning.

Von said...

pics or the baby turtles do not exist.
* and I would like to coo over baby turtle pics *

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

That was a Wisconsin Farting Turtle, 77south.

77south said...

what the hell was it doing in northern Virginia?

77south said...

and the little stinker in question looked much like these:
http://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1363&bih=311&q=alligator+snapping+turtle+hatchlings&gbv=2&aq=1&aqi=g4&aql=&oq=alligator+snapping+turtle+ha

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

P.S. So what was I doing wading in a lagoon near the canal? Looking for snakes, of course.

The similarities between us are sometimes frightening.

which means I wasted a lot of money on radioactive face and body lotion.

You just can't get horribly toxic health and beauty aids these days!

I too had to return it to the park where I found it, it was too smelly to be kept in the house, even with regular aquarium cleaning.

Why didn't you just dig a pool in the backyard, and use the turtle to dispose of the bodies of your enemies, like villain in a James Bond flick?

pics or the baby turtles do not exist.
* and I would like to coo over baby turtle pics*


I'll see what I can do, I have to look up how long it typically takes the eggs to hatch.

That was a Wisconsin Farting Turtle, 77south.

Was it orange and leaky-assed?

what the hell was it doing in northern Virginia?

0 MPH

77south said...


Why didn't you just dig a pool in the backyard, and use the turtle to dispose of the bodies of your enemies, like villain in a James Bond flick?

Even if I were able to lure my enemies to my turtle pit, I think they may have been able to overcome a 3oz turtle. If I were able to dispatch my enemies myself (not a given, 8th grade me was not particularly ferocious), the 3oz turtle would take a long time to dispose of the evidence.
Also, in 8th grade, while I certainly had people I hated like poison, I am not sure I had any enemies worthy of being dispatched and fed to a turtle or group of turtles.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

At the very least, you could have kept the turtle on your lap and stroked it as you taunted your enemies:

"You expect me to balk?"
"No, poopyhead, I expect you to cry."

Hunger Tallest Palin (or whatever handle I posted under the last time) said...

she's with the grounds staff, her job entails removing organic detritus from the small river on site

Dead gangsters? Anyhoo, here's hoping mom raises the kids to eat snakeheads.