Monday, November 12, 2012

Galt's Greasepit

Since the Kenyan Usurper's re-election, a bunch of wealthy "Jerb Creaters" has decided to "Go Galt" in order to punish the American people for their temerity to buck the wishes of their rightful overlords. In perhaps the silliest of these threatened layoffs is the promise from Applebees' franchise-owner Zane Tankel to freeze hiring at his forty Applebees locations. Mr. Tankel's main beef with Obama is that the Sinister Kenyan would force Mr. Tankel to **GASP** insure his employees. Why should Mr. Tankel be forced to spend money on his food-handling employees to keep them healthy? Chronically diseased food service workers have been part of the American experience for centuries- insisting on a healthy workforce is positively un-American.

Mr Tankel is vowing to freeze hiring and to cut back his current employees' hours, thus ensuring that they won't be able to afford to eat at casual dining establishments such as Applebees. Mr Tankel's decision not to expand his operations in the New York Metropolitan Area is a major blow to the region, because there are very few inexpensive restaurants in New York City. Also, if Applebees restaurants in New York City are understaffed, who will restock the salad bars that so many hard-working office drones depend on for their mid-day repasts? BOBO WEEPS!

Finally, Applebee's is America's Neighborhood Grill and Bar. If these American grill-and-bars close, New York's neighborhood bars will be taken over by sinister foreigners with strange, almost unpronounceable names like Declan and Patrick. We can't let that happen, just because another sinister foreigner is trying to force healthcare costs onto a hapless millionaire! Remember, folks, tyranny starts with something small, like a pre-broken healthcare system designed by right-wing think tank staffers. If that is unopposed, then the government will implement even greater affronts... why, they may even insist that minimum wage standards are upheld.

11 comments:

mikey said...

Meanwhile, those suspicious mexicans at Chili's are rubbing their hands in anticipation of the decline of their number one competitor. And what about Chipotle? They are almost certainly hiring infected drug mules as servers, right?

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

It's weird- I've never eaten in an Applebee's, Chili's, or Chipotle. We have so many good, inexpensive dining options here that I wouldn't even think of going to a chain restaurant for a sit-down meal.

M. Bouffant said...

Me neither, plus I can't even think of an Applebee's or Chili's near me.

It would be wrong to release rats & roaches in one of that jerk's franchises when the health inspector stops by. Or would it?

Smut Clyde said...

because there are very inexpensive restaurants in New York City.
Do you mean "no inexpensive" or "few inexpensive"?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Poor David Brooks. Where will he go to take the pulse of "real Americans", if not the salad bars of Applebee's?
~

Laura said...

I've only eaten at Applebee's once and did NOT like it so .. I guess Mr. Tankel can just go fuck himself.

What terrible language I'm using today eh? :)

((Hugs))
Laura

mikey said...

I used to meet a buddy for lunch at Chilis in Milpitas once a week. It's pretty good food, and certainly not expensive. But one day I looked at their nutrition numbers on the google machine and I've never been back. Just one of their sandwiches is enough calories for three entire days. Why the hell do American's think they need that much food? Sit in front of a computer and in meetings all day, three thousand calories is kind of ridiculous. But you can't order anything smaller - the marketing message is "Lots of food for cheap" and as long as that's the message that resonates with the public, that's what their going to do...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

It would be wrong to release rats & roaches in one of that jerk's franchises when the health inspector stops by. Or would it?

Yes, it would be cruelty to animals.

Do you mean "no inexpensive" or "few inexpensive"?

Thanks for catching that- I was hung up on finding a broken link, so I missed that error.

Poor David Brooks. Where will he go to take the pulse of "real Americans", if not the salad bars of Applebee's?

The skybox at the monster truck show. Bonus hilarity, he'll go on a SATURDAY! SATURDAY! SATURDAY!

I've only eaten at Applebee's once and did NOT like it so .. I guess Mr. Tankel can just go fuck himself.

You tell him!

But one day I looked at their nutrition numbers on the google machine and I've never been back. Just one of their sandwiches is enough calories for three entire days. Why the hell do American's think they need that much food? Sit in front of a computer and in meetings all day, three thousand calories is kind of ridiculous.

I think it's just that fat and starch and HFCS are cheap... it's merely a bottom line thing. They're pushing product rather than selling food.

Smut Clyde said...

Sit in front of a computer and in meetings all day, three thousand calories is kind of ridiculous.

Yes, that would affect your bottom line.

Dr.KennethNoisewater said...

Chipotle is actually pretty great and not at all comparable to other chains.

Substance McGravitas said...

Chiplotle is a blessing in an airport.