Friday, May 1, 2020

Austin Ass Eater

I'd heard it on Wednesday, on the Knowledge Fight podcast, but now it's gone viral... Alex Jones ranting about how he's contemplating cannibalism:





In only a minute, Jones packs in a lot of crazy. Of course, there's the slang meaning of 'eating ass' that is having everyone in stitches, but I think the most important part of this rant is the 'tell':

You think I like sizing up my neighbor, hell I'm gonna haul him up by a chain and chop his ass up?

I mean, he's already described in great, gruesome detail how he's going to accomplish this:

I'm literally looking at my neighbors now and going: I'm ready to hang them up and gut them and skin them and chop them up, you know what? I'm ready.

His odd specificity is reminiscent of Trump's creepily detailed tale of women bound with blue duct tape and trafficked. Both of them seem to be speaking from experience.

The fact that his reason for wanting to eat his neighbors is especially creepy, considering that he is currently in a child custody battle with his ex-wife:

My daughters aren't starving to death, I'll eat my neighbors... I'll do it! My children aren't going hungry! I will eat your ass!

Now, if this doesn't become 'Exhibit A' in determining his fitness as a parent, I don't know what could be.

If the whole rant weren't grotesque enough, Jones invokes the Gentle Nazarene in his pro-cannibalism meltdown:


You're not – we're gonna dig you out of those bunkers, we're gonna dig you out of those holes, you make us eat up – let me tell you something right now: I swear to god if it's the last thing I do I'm gonna get my hands around your throat and you know that's why you're beggin' for peace right now. You should've thought about that when you turned out Christ a long time ago. You wanna meet with me you satanist!? Meet with me!? How about you get on your knees to Christ, you'd meet with my boss right now! But you can't do it. You think you can meet with some low-level nobody? I'm nobody! You think Christ would eat somebody? He would never eat do that? He would never do that. I will.


It's been a while since I've read the Bible, but when Jesus said 'turn the other cheek', he didn't add 'on a spit'.

5 comments:

Anathema Device said...

Fat boy better watch out. With as little exercise as he gets, the meat on him will be really tender, and all that blubber will lard up the roast just nice.

Excuse me while I go throw up.

Anonymous said...

I don't have the stomach to watch the video, dude doesn't look like he's starving though. Is that what they call "owning the libs"? Weird.

BroD said...

So he's auditioning for VP? He'd be a refreshing change after Mike goes down with C19.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Fat boy better watch out. With as little exercise as he gets, the meat on him will be really tender, and all that blubber will lard up the roast just nice.

I bet the meat would be tainted with meth and the lead from his dubious supplements.

I don't have the stomach to watch the video, dude doesn't look like he's starving though. Is that what they call "owning the libs"? Weird.

Given the disturbing amount of detail he's provided, I bet he's be anthropophagy curious for a while.

So he's auditioning for VP? He'd be a refreshing change after Mike goes down with C19.

Either that or White House chef. Meatloaf Night will go horribly, horribly awry.

Anonymous said...

Could one of his ammosexual neighbors take him out and then use these quates as a basis of a plea of self defense/ stand your ground? after all he just threatened them and their familis.