Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Papal Conclave Poll

Now, for a Big Bad Bald Bastard first, I am conducting a poll! Since today marks the beginning of the Conclave to elect the successor to Pope Benedict XVI, I am polling my readers about who they wish to see in the papal throne:


Who do you think should be the New Pope?
  
pollcode.com free polls 


Now, for a quick introduction to the candidates, and a bastardly summation of the pros and/or cons to each candidacy...

First up, we have Shane MacGowan, the monsignor of The Church of the Holy Spook. Shane would be the first Irish pope, which would be a fitting, if belated, display of gratitude for that whole preservation of scholarship through the Dark Ages thing. The one possible wrinkle with Pope Shane I is that he might distribute amphetamines in lieu of communion wafers.

Next up, we have M. Bouffant, who also has had a career doing pastoral work. While most popes have tried to concentrate on esoteric affairs rather than worldly ones, I can't think of anyone whose comtempt for worldly matters exceeds that of Monsieur Bouffant. Also, moving the papal residence to L.A. would make pilgrimages easier for working class residents of Latin America.

Next up, we have Massimo. Do I even need to spell out how awesome a pope in a luchador mask would be? Plus, daily Mass would be a lot more hilarious than it currently is.

Now, we're coming up to Pupienus Maximus, who should be Popeienus. Perhaps what the Church needs now is a motorcycle-riding, man-Ho loving Portland cooking machine. Plus, Portland is supposed to have the most strip clubs per capita in the U.S. while the Vatican has none that I know of. Bringing a Portland vibe to the Vatican would address this glaring lack of nudie bars.

Charles Stross, being the antipope, would, if elected pope, create a pope/antipope reaction which would further the field of particle physics in a way which the LHC could never accomplish.

Paul Ryan would take the name Pope John Galt I and attempt to interject an Ayn Randian worldview into the doctrine of the church. The benefit of a Ryan papacy would be that the U.S. would finally be rid of the sociopathic schmuck, and having a Randian disciple pope would cause Ayn to turn over in her grave to such an extent that we could attach magnets to withered remains and generate enough power to address all of the nation's energy needs.

Now, Fidel Castro... Fidel means "faithful", and faith is a necessary characteristic of a pope.

Kathryn-Jean Lopez, while not a male (unless you count the mirror universe K-Lo with a beard, who is a lefty, atheist writer for the world's best website), is holier-than-the-pope, so she would make an excellent candidate for someone whose honorific is "Your Holiness".

Finally, we have Morrissey, whose candidacy I've touched on before. If elected pope, the "Pope of Mope" will make an ex cathedra pronouncement that transubstantiation no longer transforms bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ, thus allowing vegans to partake of communion. While this would initially create some doctrinal problems, I think a solution inspired by a really terrible movie would be possible. One possible complication of a Morrissey papacy is that it would make Mojo Nixon an anti-pope, and a protracted Charles Stross/Mojo Nixon flamewar of epic proportions could possibly rend the internet asunder. Of course, there is a slight chance that Mojo Nixon and Charles Stross could merge to form a superantipope... such a collaboration could be very fruitful, as both Stross and Nixon have written about horrors that humanity was never meant to behold.

Alright, that's our Papal Conclave poll, my first poll ever. Don't forget to vote! Forgetting to vote causes people to worry about your whereabouts. If you have any write-in candidates, please post them in the comments. Off the top of my head, I can think of two splendid alternate candidates. Pope Thunder I would be sure to canonize both Joseph of Strummermathea and Jerry of the Jam. The second great alternate candidate is Italian Spiderman, who would usher in a "puncho puncho" papacy.

12 comments:

paleotectonics said...

Revenant.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

M.Bouffant, of course.
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

K Lo, without a doubt. In addition to the holier-than-the-pope thing, she's got the celibacy thing down pat. Also, and as a bonus, the mental friction caused by being the first woman pope, against centuries of Catholic tradition, will cause her circuits to melt out of her ears, leaving wisps of smoke like Norman in that old Star Trek episode.

zencomix said...

Since Mojo Nixon has actually met Jesus, I'm casting my ballot for him.

mikey said...

I would like to know why Jesus can't be the pope. Or if he's busy eating BRANES, why not the Holy Ghost, whatever the hell THAT is...

Smut Clyde said...

I am not one to hide my light under a bushel -- not after that time when the bushel caught fire and there was all that fuss with the fire engines and the screaming -- so I will just point out that I already sit in the papal chair of the Greater Reunificatory Church of the Globe Artichoke.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Splitter.

OBS said...

It is taking all my restraint to keep myself from whipping up a poll-voting bot...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I am strongly against whipping robots.

Vixen Strangely said...

I'm kind of in favor of Mojo Nixon as pope myself, and the new doctrine of Elvis universality. Otherwise, Stross, but if it interferes with his Laundry novel output, pass.

M. Bouffant said...

If nominated, I will not run, if elected, I will not serve.

To coin a phrase or two.

I'm votin' Pupi. I think he's the only candidate who actually exists. (NB: One can vote as often as one wants.)

Speaking of whereabouts, I sent T&U an e-mail a while ago (well, November) wondering what was up, she responded, saying she'd send a longer e-mail later, I typed back "don't bother if you're busy (& she didn't) I just wanted to be sure you were alive & kicking."

So she's OK as of November. Maybe she has more of a life now, or something equally non-conducive to Internettery.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I think the spambots were sent by the Vatican.