Tuesday, September 13, 2011

No Desire to Own a T.V.

Sheesh, nights like last night make me glad I don't have one of them thar telepicture machines. Just watching the cringe worthy introduction makes me want to smack the entire CNN organization right in the labanza. Sheesh, what a revolting development! Kossack Jed Lewison was liveblogging the debate, poor guy. He offers up a list of the monikers:


5:03 PM PT: Rick Perry is "The Newcomer." Jon Hunstman is "The Diplomat." Michele Bachmann is "The Firebrand." Herman Cain is "The Businessman." Rick Santorum is "The Fighter." Newt Gingrich is "The Businessman." I missed Mitt Romney's nickname. Here comes Wolf Blitzer. "The moderator."

5:05 PM PT: Romney's nickname was "The Early Frontrunner." Wolf Blitzer is announcing this with the enthusiasm of Jeff Probpst. It's like watching the live Survivor results show. Survivor: Contender.



I have my own nicknames for these eight troglodytes, and would love to see yours:

Rick Perry is the Corndog Fellator. Alternate: Rick Perry is the bloodthirsty Texas tyrant who's got great hair.

John Huntsman is the Quisling Servant of the Kenyan Usurper. Alternate: John Huntsman is the other Mormon, who doesn't have Reagan Hair.

Michele Bachmann is the Crazyeyes. Alternate: Michele Bachmann is the crazy cat lady who's got no cats.

Herman Cain is the token. Alternate: Herman Cain is plausible deniability for the racism allegations.

Rick Santorum is the Frothy Mixture. Alternate: Rick Santorum is the guy you need to hide your dogs from.

Newt Gingrich is the Serial Adulterer. Alternate: Newt Gingrich is the disgraced former speaker who spends his campaign war chest on stuff at Tiffany's.

Mitt Romney is the Romneybot 2000. Alternate: Mitt is the guy with good hair, but not that guy with the good hair.


Heh, Mitt:

Looks the part, he's got great hair,
An empty suit, there's no there there.


If I had had a television set, I probably would have chucked a bottle through the screen while that nonsense was playing. Christ, CNN has a more deleterious effect on cognitive development than Spongebob.

I'm going to be running errands tomorrow before heading down to Brooklyn for some drinking and learning (gotta replenish the brain cells killed by CNN). Please, post your alternate nicknames for the candidates, so I can laugh myself into a stupor come Thursday.

Also, anybody in the New York metro area should come to the lecture tomorrow night- it promises to be a really good one, and one that is accessible even to people who aren't that interested in science (shame!).

18 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Rick Perry is the Juice-breathed yoniflower

John Huntsman is the Tuna-winged apeknocker

Michele Bachmann is the Trout-spined manjuicer

Herman Cain is the Spastic-spotted fryshoveler

Rick Santorum is the Crap-lipped organhippie

Newt Gingrich is the Nancy-skulled cheeseface

Mitt Romney is the Lily-loined carpetpoacher

Ron Paul is the pickle-faced rectumtuft

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

You been hitting SMcG's Janus Node program?

Damn, forgot Ron Paul... Ron Paul is the Crazy Old Coot. Alternate: Ron Paul is the demented gnome from South Kakalakistan.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

You been hitting SMcG's Janus Node program?

Damn, forgot Ron Paul... Ron Paul is the Crazy Old Coot. Alternate: Ron Paul is the demented gnome from South Kakalakistan.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

WHEN YOU STARE INTO THE JANUSNODE, THE JANUSNODE STARES INTO YOU.

INTO YOU.

Smut Clyde said...

Also, anybody in the New York metro area should come to the lecture tomorrow night

I'm off to a talk by Paul Callaghan tonight, so you can bite your bum.

M. Bouffant said...

Michele Bachmann is the crazy cat lady who's got no cats.

She's the crazy cat lady who had 23 foster daughters instead of cats.

BTW, link #1 is not working! All your recent non-working links seem to look like this:

<a href="<br />http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/karoli/cnnteaparty-express-debate-intro-most-ridic">

Dunno why/how you get a break tag in there, but it keeps happening ...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

They're all a pack of craven fools, whose only purpose is to serve corporate's interest in keeping this country out of the hands of anyone who might care about the majority of the population.
~

Laura said...

I know very little about American politics so I will refrain from name calling. All I know, I learned from snarky late night talk shows.

No tv!!!???? Well, I guess you and I won't be discussing the premier of Vampire Diaries tomorrow night then.

This little "get together" you're attending this evening sounds interesting. Try to steal the "hairy-clawed Yeti crab" for me-wouldcha.
See, if I was there I'd hit the wet and wild cocktail area first (after they checked my ID of course as I don't look a day over 16) and THEN steal the stuff. Cause... that's what I do. :)
Perhaps you could even drunk blog while you're there .. like Lewison did at the debate. :)

Have fun!!!!!!!

((Hugs))
Laura

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

Perry: Gov Goodhair

Bachmann: Batshit Bachmann (I know its old but it fits)

ps..used your comment on my blog yesterday as part of my post for today..you really hit home for me w/it dude.

fish said...

Dude, the Patriots game was on. Why the hell would you watch a debate. TV good, cable news bad.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

fish, it was the Patriots game.

Jennifer said...

How about "Frothy Mixture and the Seven Mental Midgets"?

Romney: Captain Magic Underpants
Bachmann: Batshit Shelley
Santorum: Man on Dog (that's his Indian name)
Perry: Dubya-er
Huntsman: No Chance

And so on.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Big, that Hedningarna album was surprisingly pricey on eMusic. Basically the same price as iTunes.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Rick Perry: Asshole

John Huntsman: Smaller Asshole

Michele Bachmann: Asshole

Herman Cain: Asshole

Rick Santorum: Asshole

Newt Gingrich: HUGE Asshole

Mitt Romney: Asshole

Ron Paul: Stupid Libertarian Asshole

...and so on.

Laura said...

What the hell? I've been back here like.. 20 times looking for a play by play of your exciting night out and nothing. Yes, yes.. I know I have you on my Blogroll and I will be notified when you update but still.. I notice my blog hasn't updated on your blogroll and I keep thinking perhaps the same thing has happened here... or there.. or.. whatever!

Anyhow, I'm not a stalker.. :)

((Hugs))
Laura

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I'm off to a talk by Paul Callaghan tonight, so you can bite your bum.

Gotta start doing yoga for that!

No tv!!!???? Well, I guess you and I won't be discussing the premier of Vampire Diaries tomorrow night then.

Vacuumslayer is the lady of dark fantasy- maybe she'll watch it and join the discussion.

Big, that Hedningarna album was surprisingly pricey on eMusic. Basically the same price as iTunes.

Did you get it? Drop me an e-mail, old chum!

Anyhow, I'm not a stalker.. :)

I thought you were stalking Thunder.

Substance McGravitas said...

Looks the part, he's got great hair,
An empty suit, there's no there there.


That is awesome.

Laura said...

I have a few boys that I stalk. :)

((Hugs))
Laura