We Have Always Been At War With Fantasia!

Conservatives had a hard time with the whole "Harry Potter" phenomenon, with its Gay Agenda, Satanism, and glorification of Vladimir Putin. Yeah, they exhibited overmuch butthurt over the boy wizard. Well, now there's a new source of butthurt among The Right's intelligentsia grievantsia- COMMUNIST SMURFS!!! Of course, the whole "Socialist Men Under Red Father" joke has been around for many years, much like the "Microsoft and the Bavarian Illuminati" spoof (or world-spanning plot!!). Of course, the whole thing's a joke, like the long discussions we had in college regarding drug references in Scooby Doo ("Scoob, the Dead's playing Anaheim!"). Now that a Major Motion Picture featuring the Smurfs has hit the screens, the navel-gazing wingnut-welfare recipients are taking seriously one long piss-take on a cartoon.

Do these people have anything better to grouse about? Yeah, I know, think of the children, seduced into a Stalinist nightmare by a cadre of argyric gnomes. Why can't the children watch a movie which isn't mired in badthink? How about showing them a movie about a magical snow princess who tries to save the world's most goodest country from a dark (in the most literal sense of the word) sorceror?

Even better, why not make a Conservative fantasy movie about a gay Conservative patriot who is forced to hide in a wardrobe closet because of attacks by the Luftwaffe homosexual mafia resulting from his political views? In the closet, he finds a magical land ruled by an evil bitchy queen, in which it's always last call but there are never any NSA hookups. Finally, a magical lion bear named Assslam comes and teaches him the healing power of self-loathing. Of course, this movie would be based on the beloved children's book The Lyin', the Bitch, and the Closet (insert joke about Turkish delight, whether Turkish bath delight, or Turkish prison delight). Wouldn't conservatives love to get behind such a movie?