A few months ago, I wrote about having to submit to a background check in order to continue in my volunteer coaching gig. A drug test is part of the background check process for the organization I volunteer for. Having a big bladder, I held out on the piss test for a while- work has been busy lately, and, like I said, I can "hold my water" like a camel.
Today was the day I could get my ass to the testing center, which is in the vicinity of Union Square. It being a gorgeous September day (September is perhaps the nicest month, weather-wise, in New York State, though May gives it a run for the money), I decided to take a nice walk to Woodlawn station in the Bronx, which is the end of the 4 line, which, along with the 5 train, makes up Manhattan's Lexington Avenue express. Because I knew I had to piss when I got to my destination, I stopped at Artuso's for a tea biscuit and a small coffee. In the interest of full disclosure, I went to high school with the owner. That being said, he's a good guy and he makes some damn fine pastries. While walking past Van Cortlandt Park, I saw a pile of junk by a car bearing a prominent sign saying, "REPENT, JUDGEMENT DAY IS AT HAND". For once, I agreed with this- I was going for a piss test, "judgement day" would probably come in six-to-ten days, as far as my pee was concerned. All the while, I was laughing at the ridiculousness of my errand- the sole reason for my trip to Manhattan was to take a piss- something that I could have done at home, or at any of the restaurants I passed on my walk to the subway, or behind a bush in the park (the area of the park abutting Jerome Avenue is well-wooded).
When I finally got to the testing center, I knew I'd be able to deliver the necessary testing materials, so to speak. I submitted my paperwork and waited anxiously for my name to be called. When my name was called, I proceeded to "Room 1" and waited for the charming lab tech to handle things. She came in and handed me a plastic cup which looked to hold about eight ounces. I took one look at the cup and thought, "What the fuck is this? I piss like a goddam racehorse, I could use a bigger cup... at least something I could dangle my ding-a-ling in when I'm whizzing away. Did Mike Fucking Bloomberg limit the size of piss cups?"
Seriously, it's a pain in the ass when you know you can piss a pint, but you only have a small cup- I basically stood over the bowl and let fly, and, at an appropriate seeming time, moved the cup to intercept the stream. Of course, the goddam cup didn't have a handle- I mean, what the fuck? These people handle thousands of piss tests, you'd think they'd have a nice long handle for their piss cups (and, in interests of "quality control" or "security", you can't flush the toilet or wash your hands until you hand over the cup- I wouldn't have minded the technician watching me handle my business, or holding my dingus and aiming during the process, for that matter). Really, it was a minor pain-in-the-ass but a major turn-off trying to piss in a small cup that you're holding in your hand, knowing full well that you could overfill the damn thing if you're not careful. If I have to do it again, I'll bring a nice wide-mouthed, thirty-two ounce jar to piss in, then transfer the "liquid gold" to the sub-par lab cup.
Anyway, the whole process took a few minutes, and I was able to wash up after handing over the cup. No real mess was involved... I really just wanted to cheap-shot Mayor Bloomberg (ain't I a pisser?). After the test, I stopped at a nearby Turkish restaurant and got an order of "cigarette" börek filled with feta and parsley (sadly, they had no nettle börek) and a kofta kebab sandwich, all washed down with a cup of Turkish coffee as thick and gritty as mud (and super delicious). The day being gorgeous, I decided to walk to Grand Central and hit a couple of bookstores before catching the 4 train home. When I got to 32nd St, I stopped at Mandoo Bar in Little Korea to get a small plate of Korean dumplings to tide me over for the last ten blocks.
It was a weird day, best summed up as "go for the piss, stay for the shopping and dining". That's my analysis... what's your analysis?