Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Odd Solace

As anyone reading this blog on a regular basis knows, this has been a hell of a bad couple of weeks for me and my mine. I tend to be even-keeled to a sometimes cartoonish extent, though. It's been rough, but I've never been one to wallow in the Slough of Despond (when I was still in my teens I lost two friends in two unrelated incidents in one week, and I was a sobbing **note the b's people** basket case for a whole weekend, but that horror of a time inured me to despair). Things have been rough at times, but ya just gotta carry on. Every birth is a death sentence, so you have to enjoy life, and to work so those around you get a shot at happiness (this is why I've always abhorred bullies). One role I try to play is the rock, the steady center that will hold when the shitstorm comes. Unlike Paul Simon, I am not an island... you can't just shut yourself away because life is going to kick your ass. Love ends up as loss every time (that "til death do us part" lies at the back of even the most perfect relationships), and is all the more precious because of that inevitable fact.

Saturday, I was able to take solace in routine and in physicality. I went down to midtown Manhattan for my volunteer gig and, during lulls in our class schedule, was able to fight like hell with one of my friends. Six three-minute rounds of tachi waza randori with a bad mofo is a hell of a distraction! At one point, the kids in the class were running laps around the dojo and a couple got a little close to where we were fighting (they were cutting corners, when they should have been on the different colored mats on the border), I actually snarled at one kid, "Move it! You see we're fighting, do you want to be hit by a 400-odd pound meat meteor?"

The dojo is a strange place... it's a place where one puts aside mundane concerns. The conflicts, though real, are friendly... although you are fighting full-tilt, there's a mutual trust, a mutual obligation to keep each other's safety in mind. We beat the hell out of each other, but every time someone crashed down to the mat, we'd be laughing our heads off. I don't know what the parents thought of the whole spectacle, but I do know that I was glad that, in the course of a bad, bad week, I was able to lose myself in the role of a crafty, formidable brute. Not having to think about anything more complicated than fighting another large, fierce terrestrial mammal (which is complicated enough), and being able to channel one's stress into action, without any negative emotions intruding, is an amazing thing. The fact that I've taken beatings on a regular basis is perhaps the greatest contributor to my equanimity. When you've had a giant beating the bejeezus out of you, the ordinary day-to-day stresses just don't get to you.

It's an odd solace.

11 comments:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I didn't want to put this in the body of the post (didn't want to step on my own dick), but my volunteer gig, which results in having a larger circle of friends, inevitably means dealing loss. In my years of volunteering, I have had to attend the funerals of two former students. I may have to write a future post about a great kid who died while still in high school (I've mentioned another friend who died from lung cancer which was related to the resultant toxicity of the 9/11 attacks.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

you guys use MATS?

heh. With you on the rest of the post. I gotta get back to the sparring. Robots don't do it.

My instructor's first student to attain First Degree black died when I was a color belt. He taught me a lot of my basics. We still save his place in the formal line up at ceremonies.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

you guys use MATS?

We kinda like being able to walk out of the place. Without mats, things would get pretty ouchy hurty pretty fast. That being said, I still couldn't move my head without some pain on Sunday night. I chalk that up to not being so young any more... I felt like a goddamn beast Saturday afternoon, while the epinephrine still held out.

Laura said...

Well hot damn! I think that my nipples might be out after all that beating each other up chatter!

Laura loves it when boys fight over her! :)
(not that any have ever fought over me... well...just in my head. :)

Glad that you are feeling a bit better-getting some of the stress out. Everything takes time and you've had quite a few hits lately. Not just the physical kind. ;D

((Hugs))
Laura

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I heard it was a bit nippy tonight up North. Thought it was just a rumor!
~

Another Kiwi said...

Your life goes on, 4B. As you said in an earlier post.

Laura said...

It was very nippy up north! :) Well...not quite as north as in the past but still... northish. :)

Von said...

Hey B4 -
I'm glad you have a few outlets for your emotions - blogging and *fighting*.
You are a good person.
I understand your point. I too volunteer and do a million things so I know a million people. That many more people to mourn.
Hang in.

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

I am so sorry B4. It's hard to handle the death of a loved one, or someone you care about. I hope it all gets better for you soon as I so adore you and hate to think of you stressing out! ;-)

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Laura loves it when boys fight over her! :)
(not that any have ever fought over me... well...just in my head. :)


Hey, Jamesy, this randori is going to be over this Canadian gal, okay? No need to ask questions, Jamesy, just humor me.

I heard it was a bit nippy tonight up North. Thought it was just a rumor!

I think some boob told you that!

Your life goes on, 4B. As you said in an earlier post.

Yeah, gotta carry on, no matter what.

Well...not quite as north as in the past but still... northish. :)

There's a support group for that!

I understand your point. I too volunteer and do a million things so I know a million people. That many more people to mourn.

Can't just lock yourself away, no matter what that Simon guy says.

I hope it all gets better for you soon as I so adore you and hate to think of you stressing out! ;-)

Thanks, being able to vent really helps.

bbkf said...

oh...i'm so sorry to read of all this...i've been too wrapped up in my own mini-dramas...and that is BAD...much hugs to you...