Monday, October 22, 2012

Enter the Dumbass

It's been a hell of a weekend. On Friday night, I worked one of our fall fundraisers (eight hours on my feet, a lot of running around) and got home after 1AM. I woke up around 7:30AM on Saturday and got my ass to Manhattan for my volunteer coaching gig. We had a class of 9-10 year old girls, and a class of 9-10 year old boys (the separation of gender cohorts is due to limited locker room in our pool area, so the kids can't all change together). In our free time, I fought like hell with Gentle Jimmy G., who makes me look like Rainbow Brite- we warmed up with some ground fighting and ended up with some serious standing work (lot of falls were taken). My great and good friend Frenchy taught the seventy-ish mother of the gymnastics coach who shares our room how to throw him with o soto gari, much to her delight. I felt great when I left the building, but I headed straight to work for a sold-out fundraiser.

This particular fundraiser is a haunted attraction in which actors in creepy costume scare the bejeebers out of attendees. There's a strict "no-touching" policy- the ghoulies don't touch the visitors and vice-versa. Things went pretty smoothly until one patron slugged one of our actresses, a young woman who's five foot nothing and about ninety pounds soaking wet, in the eye. A cadre of actors who rove the site looking for trouble marked the guy who slugged the actress and called for the three off-duty cops who are working the security detail. The three off-duty cops escorted the guy to our visitors' center, where the local gendarmes were waiting to determine if the guy should be charged. The interview didn't go so well for the guy:

"Why'd you punch her?"
"I'm a martial artist, I just reacted reflexively."
"You know this is a haunted attraction, you weren't being attacked. It's not real."
"My heart wasn't in it."

Ultimately, charges weren't pressed- the actress wasn't hurt badly (she had quite the black eye the following day, though) and she decided that she just wouldn't have the time to deal with a trial. Dumbass was escorted off the premises after receiving a warning.

The thing that really chapped my ass about the hearing was the guy's assertion that he was a "martial artist" and that his "training" is what led him to, basically, punch a pixie. I spent the whole morning engaged in "combat", I know the difference between a real fight and a friendly match, I know how to assess "threats". I may joke about beating up nine-year-olds, but I don't actually beat up nine-year-olds. I don't know what sort of martial arts training would cause a guy to slug someone considerably smaller than himself. Maybe he's studied tae kwan dope, the art of doing stupid things with your hands and feet.

The only other real glitch all night was a smoke alarm activation due to fluctuating power levels (due to a draw on the power lines by the lighting and sound systems), which caused our Very Early Smoke Detection Alarm to go wonky. I had to run across the site while the event was in progress, meet with a representative of the fire department, then reset the alarm and go room-by-room through the building in which the alarm activation took place. Fun.

I got home after one o'clock Sunday morning and had to throw a load of laundry in the wash. I didn't actually get to sleep until after two. At one point, I was so tired I almost did a faceplant in my apartment. Basically, I was so tired that I felt like I was wicked drunk. Sunday, I slept til just about noon, plenty of time to get ready for another day on the job. I can't wait for November.

I considered an alternate title for this post- "Enter the (Knuckle) Draggin'", but I went with my first choice.

11 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

Was the pixie being rude to the puncher?

Another kiwi said...

Best of luck old chap

Smut Clyde said...

Maybe he's studied tae kwan dope, the art of doing stupid things with your hands and feet.
Shirly you mean LLap Goch.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

She shoulda turned him into a newt!
~

vacuumslayer said...

"Why'd you punch her?"
"I'm a martial artist, I just reacted reflexively."
"You know this is a haunted attraction, you weren't being attacked. It's not real."
"My heart wasn't in it."


But your fist was, dumbass.

He sounds like HUGE douche.

Punching the pixie.

mikey said...

Hmmm. No-prosecution is problematic. Now he feels even more free to put his hands on people - he started feeling entitled, and now he feels untouchable.

Some day, of course, he'll mis judge his target, and it won't go well for him, although it will go very, very fast. But until that day comes, it would be nice if he learned that Assault and Battery has consequences in the real world...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Was the pixie being rude to the puncher?

I dunno, I don't even think she spoke a word to him.

Best of luck old chap

Thanks, caffeine will get me through the month.

Shirly you mean LLap Goch.

FEAR NO TINY GIRLS!!

She shoulda turned him into a newt!

Shoulda newtered him!

But your fist was, dumbass.

He sounds like HUGE douche.

Punching the pixie.


That's what happens when you sign up for MRA classes instead of MMA classes.

Hmmm. No-prosecution is problematic. Now he feels even more free to put his hands on people - he started feeling entitled, and now he feels untouchable.

Yeah, it is unfortunate. Hopefully, he'll learn his lesson in the way you delineated.

OBS said...

Why weren't you out creatin' jerbs like a REAL worker, huh? If you're "tired" I bet those jerbcreators I hear so much are super-duper tired.

But seriously, best of luck, month's almost over...

OBS said...

hear so much about.

Just pretend that word was in there already.

paleotectonics said...

That's what happens when you sign up for MRA classes instead of MMA classes.

Larfs abounding.

Although this is a story of dumb testosterone, it's one I like. At the bars in college once (yeah, once, wevs), some dude was talking to a woman at the bar, and although no one was privy as to what exactly happened or was said, he slapped her hard on the face. A couple guys, friends, acquaintances of hers perhaps, got up intending to inform young master fratboy of the error of his ways, and the shithead lit out towards a bar across the street, these other guys close on his heels, and the douchebag rounded up a couple of his friends. Everyone ended up in the street doing the redneck posture (c'mon, man, someone better hold me back so's you live etc. et al.)

One of the chaps involved, on the side of MC Slapnuts, either had some remnants of common sense, or had had less to drink, and says, okay, just a sec, why are we doing this? Upon being informed, the jackasses friends said, more or less, good luck, idjit, and walked away.

The cops were already headed in this direction and so things ended with a couple swings and some pushing, but I still want to buy Mr. Logic a beer.

Substance McGravitas said...

Ultimately, charges weren't pressed- the actress wasn't hurt badly (she had quite the black eye the following day, though) and she decided that she just wouldn't have the time to deal with a trial. Dumbass was escorted off the premises after receiving a warning.

I'm starting to think after this stuff that maybe getting things into the public record is the deal: you say go ahead with the prosecution, then write about it.